Loneliness and Solitude
And now for loneliness – something we don’t like to mention too much. Some fear it could be contagious! I know that feeling, we all know that feeling, it’s part of the human condition – a primeval sign that we need to seek out connection! We are hard-wired for it: social creatures that need social bonds, in the same way that we need food and water.
It’s a complex thing this dull, heavy and hard to define feeling of loneliness. It is often a response to isolation, and this is not only physical isolation. After all, we can feel disconnected in a crowd, at parties, and similarly with friends and family.
Lack of Connection
When we lack connection with others we feel alone, and this feeling makes everything look bleak. From this place of darkness we often project this into the future and can become desolate. It is important to realise and remember at these times that you and world change. Nothing, not even loneliness is permanent
I work with people so that they can gain a new perspective, therefore changing theit inner dialogue and life scrip. Small changes, small steps can lead to transformation.
NLP coaching focuses on the limiting beliefs that invariably create and maintain separateness. This enables you to integrate your intentions and actions, thereby allowing you to make conscious choices to connect with others and create spaces for new relationships.
It’s a Social Thing
Extended families and tribes are often not available to us as support structures. You are fortunate if you have a good family and supportive friends. Make the most of them, be grateful.
Sometimes, despite having friends, we don’t have anyone to connect with about stuff that really matters to us – whether this is to discuss the meaning of life, share a love of films or any number of weird and wonderful things. Consequently we can feel lonely and need to seek out some sort of connection with others, especially if we are isolated. On the positive side, this can push us out of our comfort zones and create new possibilities in our lives – only you can do this!
Chronic loneliness is bad for your health
Loneliness elevates our risk of developing a range of disorders, including cardiovascular disease, neurodegenerative diseases and cognitive decline. It also weakens the immune system, making us more susceptible to infections. Left untended, even situational loneliness can ossify into a fixed state that changes brain structures and processes, (Stephanie Cacioppo, director of the Brain Dynamics Lab at the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine).
Unlike depression and anxiety, loneliness has no recognised clinical form; there is no available diagnosis or treatment for feeling chronically isolated, however, loneliness is seen as a major public health concern.
Health risks
- Loneliness, living alone and poor social connections are as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. (Holt-Lunstad, 2010)
- Loneliness is worse for you than obesity. (Holt-Lunstad, 2010)
- Lonely people are more likely to suffer from dementia, heart disease and depression. (Valtorta et al, 2016) (James et al, 2011) (Cacioppo et al, 2006)
- Loneliness is likely to increase your risk of death by 29% (Holt-Lunstad, 2015)
Loneliness and older people
- There are 1.2 million chronically lonely older people in the UK (Age UK 2016, No-one should have no one).
- Half a million older people go at least five or six days a week without seeing or speaking to anyone at all (Age UK 2016, No-one should have no one).
- Over half (51%) of all people aged 75 and over live alone (Office for National Statistics 2010. General Lifestyle Survey 2008).
- Two fifths all older people (about 3.9 million) say the television is their main company (Age, U.K., 2014. Evidence Review: Loneliness in Later Life. London: Age UK).
How to deal with loneliness
Firstly, distinguish between solitude and loneliness. Solitude can be something we actively seek at times; it nurtures us in a busy world.
Begin to build a scaffold of networks, connections and relationships. Begin small and keep at it. By taking action consistently we can build anything, including relationships.
Get some help – Get a coach – get in touch. There are also there are many organisations that offer befriending such as Age Cymru
Help others – through reaching out and thinking about others we can combat loneliness on many levels. Volunteering is a good way to start – See volunteering Wales for example
Practical tips – 10 things to do if you are feeling lonely
Thoughts on Solitude
“Many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” Bell Hooks
“Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.” Honoré de Balzac
“I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other.” Rainer Maria Rilke
“I have to be alone very often. I’d be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That’s how I refuel.” (Audrey Hepburn: Many-Sided Charmer, LIFE Magazine, December 7, 1953)”
“Your solitude will be a support and a home for you, even in the midst of very unfamiliar circumstances, and from it you will find all your paths.” Rainer Maria Rilke
“Solitude was my only consolation – deep, dark, deathlike solitude.” Mary W. Shelley
“It is in your power to withdraw yourself whenever you desire. Perfect tranquillity within consists in the good ordering of the mind, the realm of your own.” Marcus Aurelius
“I want to be able to be alone, to find it nourishing – not just a waiting.” Susan Sontag
Poetry
While many poets savour the isolation needed to write, their words will ideally create connection.
Emily Dickinson said that loneliness was …
The Maker of the soul
Its Caverns and its Corridors
Illuminate—or seal-
And Hafiz definitely thinks loneliness can illuminate
Don’t surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,
My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.
This one by Carlos Williams Carlos makes me smile
Danse Russe
If I when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame-white disc
in silken mists
above shining trees,—
if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
“I am lonely, lonely.
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!”
If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades,—
Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?
This is Basho in the seventeenth century
The first day of the year:
thoughts come – and there is loneliness;
the autumn dusk is here.
And finally – a favourite song by the Walker brothers
Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine (Anymore)
Loneliness is the cloak you wear
A deep shade of blue is always there
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
The moon ain’t gonna rise in the sky
The tears are always clouding your eyes
When you’re without love, baby
Emptiness is the place you’re in
There’s nothing to lose but no more to win
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
The moon ain’t gonna rise in the sky
The tears are always clouding your eyes
When you’re without love
Lonely, without you, baby
Girl, I need you
I can’t go on
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore (The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore)
The moon ain’t gonna rise in the sky (The moon ain’t gonna rise in the sky)
The tears are always clouding your eyes (The tears are always clouding your eyes)
Sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
When you’re without love, baby
The sun ain’t gonna shine anymore
Ah, but the sun does shine
Go well and connect.
